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That Was The Week That Was*

Updated: May 29

Sometimes our bloggers are creative enough to find a common theme running throughout the week. But on this occasion the creative juices have failed. And to be honest, the two sessions for SHWFC this week were so different it’s fruitless trying to weave one in. So, I’m not going to try to. Fasten your seatbelts for a report of all the latest doings from SHWFC.




Occasionally, as the good ship SHWFC sails through the seas of walking football, some fine adjustments are necessary.


You know the sort of thing: -


“30° to Starboard and remind ‘em to keep their heels on the floor; Captain Houghton”.


“Aye, aye, Admiral Presidente




Trim that mainsail, Able Seaman Hawkins; and let’s get the rest of those annual subs in, shall we?”


“Mainsail trimmed and all subs in;…….Sah!”


This week’s tiller adjustments were to remind our brave crew about the need for mutual respect amongst all our players and referees; and to encourage everyone to involve all our players, irrespective of skill levels. Even the cabin boy.


Of course, this must be done without any hectoring. Adopting the style of Cap’n Queeg (The Caine Mutiny) or Bligh (Mutiny on the Bounty) won’t work here. We build, we support, we encourage.


So, on Monday we had a usual excellent turnout at Ruskin, with 5 teams of 6 and one of 5; with those teams paying the fivers voluntarily playing rolling subs to ensure even sides. We lined up as follows: -


Green: Keeper ‘arry, Phil the cat, Alan A, Haggis, Lord R and – making his debut Lee J

Black: Andy Z, Wor Eileen, Mark D, Brian P and Geoff P

Light Blue: Andy Man, Steve the Honeyman, Sheeelagh, Roger Moore, Citeh Geoff and Steve J

Orange: Kirsty, Les Meldrew, Dave P. Tony Snakehips, Gonzalez Byass and Monday Michelle

Purple: Grazer Clark, Tom Stretch Parr, Jim, Spiro, Liz andBarry Whizz

Pink: Tommo, Tom D, Les H, Mark M, Chopper and Paul F


Some adjustments had been needed however, as at one pointGreens had three keepers. However their cunning plan to put Eileen on one post, Phil the Cat on the other and ‘arry in the middle of the goal – now that IS parking the bus - were thwarted when Eileen was transferred to Blacks.


On to the footy. Two 0-0 draws between Orange & Blue and Purple and Green didn’t exactly send the pulses racing but Pinks triumphed over Blacks 2-1, with Tommo on the scoresheet twice and Brian getting the Black Goal.


Two more draws in round two with Alan rescuing a point for Greens after Mark’s opener and Barry scoring for Purple and Steve for Blues making it another 1-1. Orange got a 1-0 win over Pinks with Gonzalo (who else?) scoring.


Round 3 and a third draw in a row for Green as they held Orange to another 0-0, mainly because both teams star strikers(Gonzalo and haggis) were having a cows-backside/banjo moment. Barry added another 2 goals as Purple beat blacks 3-1, Liz adding the other and Andy scoring for blacks.


Round 4 and Blacks got their first win 2-0 over sky with Mark and Brian both scoring, and this morning’s goal machine Barry scoring for Purple in a 1-1 with Orange, Michelle replying. Green v Pink? Yup you guessed it – another 0-0.


On to the final round. Could Greens finally get a positive result? Err, no they got a negative one with Sheila getting the winner, her whoop of delight indicating that this was likely to be the talk of the Darwin household for at least a week. Steve was the recipient of a rare blue card for a deliberate handball,but Greens couldn’t take advantage of his 2 minutes sin bin. Lord Rainford pleaded that this was a DOGSO, but as the offence took place near Green’s goal, the refs were understandably unmoved by his Lordship’s pleading. It was unlucky for Greens who had plenty of good play throughout the hour but had no shooting boots. Elsewhere Barry took his personal haul to an excellent 5 with the only goal against Pink, and Orange finished off with a 2-1 win over Blacks, Gonzalo getting his radar fixed plus a rare and welcome goal for Snakehips, with Mark getting Blacks’ consolation.


All refs and many players remarked about how well the session had gone, played in a good spirit and a conscious effort made to make sure everyone got involved. No need for any in the ranks to be incarcerated in the brig or put on short rations.  So, that turn on the tiller of HMS SHWFC had worked. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum in fact! Well, yo, ho ho and a box of liqueur chocolates actually (courtesy of Kirsty), and some excellent home-made cake courtesy of Phil the cat. What a good job Steve and Lee from Pilks arranged for us to have some storage space to stow our balls and cones (thanks guys) as it gave Tom Stretch an extra pair of hands to take home any uneaten cake. Waste not, want not, that’s his motto!




Never mind the football. Walking Football at Sutton was overshadowed by a very painful accident for Jack McMahon who, playing outside, turned and sustained a very painful knee injury. Thanks to the prompt attentions of the Sutton staff Jack was aided back to the centre with the use of a wheelchair; to be picked up by his wife who speeded him off to A&E at Whiston Hospital - which by now has a section especially roped off for SHWFC members!


Jack has since reported that he sustained what looks like ruptured patella tendons and after an MRI scan is likely to be operated on this week. Despite the pain he seems in good spirits, rueing the fact that eh will still be able to work from home! Our thoughts are with you Jack, here’s hoping you have a speedy recovery, and we look forward to see you at one of our sessions again before too long, even if only as a spectator.


Turning our attentions to the footy, the big debate indoors was ‘backing-in’; after some helpful guidance posted on our WhatsApp forum by Les Lomax. Two teams of 5 entered the arena to test this out under the gimlet eye of ref Jeff Bettye. Lining up for Blues were Lee (welcome back!), Joe the Ghost, Lord Rainford, Chopper and Steve C. Yellows had Eileen in goal, Kenny, Les Meldrew, Les H and Citeh Geoff.


The backing-in question had two main schools of thought. If you were Lord Rainford, you held your hands aloft to show no contact with the player in front of you; all the while trying to resistant the temptation (usually successfully) to have a nibble at the ball from behind. On the other hand, the ChopperWilliams school of dealing with the backing-in was more whack first and ask questions later. This may have provided more immediate gratification but also provided far more free kicks to the opposition.


I am not sure if the amount of free kicks conceded played too much of a part in yellows running out 7-4 winners. What I will say is that if Eileen continues to play like that in goal,she’ll be dong other keepers in the club out of a job! Kenny got 5 of his team’s goals with Les and Geoff on the scoresheettoo. For the blues 4 out of the 5 players scored. The only blue not to find the net was Lord Rainford. However, he did do his bit by keeping the score down when it was his turn in nets. This was by thwarting Kenny from getting a double hat trickon several occasions, including one penalty save after a DOGSO decision by Jeff Bettye. If you ask me the decision itself was a bit of a dogso; but hey ho!


Now to outside where a welcome recovery from Liverpool Flu by many players meant for the first time in a while we started off with 2 games, 5v5 and 6v6. We lined up as follows:-


Greens: Kidda , Grav (the weather must be improving, he’s usually inside), Dave ‘flick-to-kick’ M, Simon, Darron and Tom ‘Stretch’ Parr


Yellow:  Andy Man, Jason C, Tom Derby, Keith S, Richard E , Harry the Haggis


Blue: Deano, Mark P, Brian, Jack McM and Neil S


Red: Chris 4G, Wednesday Michelle, Roger Moore, Gonzalez Byass, Thatto Dave


Thanks to Cockney Rebel I can report that Greens were 4-1 up on Yellows with Dave M getting 2 for Greens; Simon and Grav adding the others, Tom Derby scoring for yellow. In the other game Reds were 3-1 up against Blue, with Gonzalez notching a hat trick and Brian getting Blues goal.


After the break to help jack out, for the rest of the session Greens and yellows combined played Reds and Blues combined in a merged game. Here Greens and yellows ran out 2-1 winners with Simon and Jason for scoring for the citrus bedecked ones and Michelle for those in a combination of shirts which sounds far too close to Palace colours for my liking.



Well, that wraps it up for this week’s SHWFC action. Never easy when we have a serious injury to report and we hope Jack recovers soon. What this does emphasise though is the need for us all to keep the medical records the club holds for you up to date. For club members there is a message to this effect on the WhatsApp groups. Please contact Lord Rainford in his role as Club Sec if you think yours need updating!


* Intro to the BBC Satirical show of the same name. Sung by Millicent Martin.

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