After a restless night worrying about which rest and recline chair to sit in first for his breakfast of oysters, fois gras and quail eggs served up with a Premier Cru Champagne El Presidente was rudely informed that the deed was done
A former opponent or critic assassinated in his Noughties Tour Revival dressing room? No was the solemn reply
The Glorious Revolution overturned? Again no Mein Fuhrer
Then what man?
The 'Spoiler has alerted a tour de force' was the faint comment as the poor wretch was bundled away for a spell in the cooler
You mean the Blog has been usurped?
Shurely Shome Mishtake!
Moments later a cowering henchman delivered the news that Shamus O'Hoolihan had quite literally given the game away with an epistle to the masses delivered via WhatsApp at the ungodly hour of 06.20am well before any self- respecting petty tyrant was awake and abroad
Cursory glances confirmed that in true cub reporter style there was little detail but instead lots of the blarney that we've come to recognise in the short period our wannabe journo has been plying his trade
But rather than a swift dispatch to the out reaches of the empire Botany Bay Mr O'Hoolihan will be rewarded with a column of his own in the fullness of time Watch this space as we used to say in the tabloids
And in complete U-turn of editorial direction so to the proceedings of Wednesday's Sutton SoccerDome session The unpredictable weather and insistence of some members to make for foreign climes meant that only 24 players made the selection mark to start the evenings fun
The teams selected after Moneyball was dusted down and defib'ed back to life were;
Red - Enoch, Martin Mc, Gonzalo, Cockney Rebel, Michelle Wednesday and Little John
Green - Phil the Power, Keith, Willo, Green Manalishi, Eamon and Paul Henesy
White - Tom Derby (returning from Grand Tour) Les Meldrew, Andy Man, Chris 10P, Lord Rainford and debutant Paul 'Mulla' Mularky
Yellow - Simon, Deggs, Robin, Sharon (back after not being with here) Daz (complete with angry hands on hips stance) and Joe the Ghost
Play got underway with an unwelcome sprinkling of raindrops that quickly became drizzle Red v Yellow was slow to ignite (maybe the damp atmosphere) but Simon gave Yellow the lead applying the faintest of big toes to a long range effort 1-0 The drizzle gave way to a full on deluge that proved too much for Jeff Betty's notebook, El Presidente phone (water in charging aperture said the display) and Robin's glasses(wiper blade overload)
Deggs was brought to task by a tirade from a frustrated Daz - who really should know better than expect a return pass from Deggs in the opposition half of the pitch
It was an ominous portent
Gonzalo made light of the weather to skewer two quick fire goals that completely changed the match outcome Red went on to secure a good victory with their control and passing over shadowing the shouty, sweary pleadings of the Yellow 2-1 the final result
On the adjacent pitch White and Green started cautiously Eamon resplendent in green going closest before goals by Chris 10P and Mulla shaded the score line in White's favour Phil powered in a well deserved effort having been close twice previously But Chris 10P and Lord Rainford with a typical Sussex Sweep sealed a fine 4-1 victory White good to watch
White v Red in Round 2 was played in the teeth of the deluge Les employed his version of the dark defensive arts to keep Cockney Rebel at bay Then Gonzalo kept his cool to fire home after Cockney Rebel laid on the pass of the night with defence splitting accuracy 1-0 to Red
Lord Rainford deployed the Sussex Sweep once again with a sublime finish 2-1 before he struck a more routine drive to seal the White victory in possibly the shock of the night?
Green and Yellow was much closer than the eventual score might suggest Deggs off the naughty step and into Daz's good books with the opener 1-0 Yellow Paul Henesy grabbed an equaliser that Green pressure suggested was coming A further goal by Phil and low shot by Eamon sealed the comeback win 3-1 to Green There was an air of desperation about Yellow Body language and plain old bad language signifying all was not well
The floodlights were a welcome addition as the last round of fixtures started White and Yellow produced some compelling viewing at times The opening goal by Robin a side foot finish after Sharon had unluckily hit a post with her effort 1-0 Yellow Chris 10P equalised then White were undone by a smart corner as Daz grabbed a goal to propel Yellow 2-1 up Tom Derby wasted a decent chance before making up in the next passage of play 2-2 the final and perhaps the right result Yellow at war internally deserved something White losing defensive focus and suffering as a consequence but getting their act together to share the spoils
Gonzalo and Eamon traded the opening volleys of the last match both close but no cigar Gonzalo did claim the opening goal firing through the Green Manalishi (who had the scars to show after a night of feverish flinging about his area) Referee Chopper explained in no uncertain terms that HE was Ref and perhaps keepers should stick to keeping Willo fired in from 30 yards to offer hope to Green only to have the effort ruled out as play had already been halted to allow Little John to clear the other game's ball Still 1-0 Red ahead There was a suspicion of a run about Paul Henesy's leveller but Enoch swept home a ball only parried following a Martin Mc blast before Gonzalo repeated his earlier effort too much power and placement for the man in green 3-1 the final score
So on a night not without its controversies what did we learn?
A few choice cuss words
Never argue with anyone with a whistle (will you be serious!)
Beware of the Sussex Sweep - a hat trick on a night the Achilles was forgotten
Never give anyone called Chris a sniff of the goal
Keepers are immune from the 3 Touch Rule
Keepers aren't immune from the Running Rule
Keepers must roll or kick the ball in distributing not hurl, sling or bowl the ball out
Rainproof jackets are a myth
Give It Away* - Red Hot Chilli Peppers