(Don’t) Touch Me In The Morning*

Or indeed the evening if it comes to that…...

Monday’s SHWFC session at Ruskin had enough physical contact involved to:-

1) tempt your scribe to reuse the late Ms Olivia Newton John’s ‘Lets Get Physical’ as this week’s headline choon (but we have used it before and the mere mention of it can over-excite one or two of our more susceptible readers/players); and

2) provoke a strong edict from El Presidente, reminding his subjects of some of the basic tenets of walking football.

We were thin on the ground for referees at Ruskin on Monday which may not have helped as most of the bodily contact (ooh, matron) took place on the 7 a side game which took place. This was where Les Meldrew couldn’t provide a full refereeing experience after the rather messy aftermath of a minor operation he had. This made him look like an extra from one of Sam Peckinpah’s more violent movies. Poor chap.

However, on the other pitches Les L and Jeff Betty provided their usual steely like grip on proceedings to keep their charges in order.

OK, so what were the teams then? Well, I’ve been trying to put off this moment after my last report earned the opprobrium of he who must be obeyed for a somewhat liberal use of official team nick names. Photos provided and names (panic panic) listed below. Oh; and one or two switches and late arrivals after photos taken, in case anyone who played last Monday thinks “hang on”……

Light Blue: Donal, Harry, Alan, Haggis, Sheila, Eileen

Black: Mark D, Little John, Roger, Gonzalo, Geoff P, Charlie

Light Green: Wicky, Chopper. Cockney Rebel, Barry Whizz, Steve J, McSpeed

Orange: Mika, Kirsty, Dave Prime, Snakehips, Brian P, Kenny

Pink: Joe the Ghost, Ian B, Citeh Geoff, Clubman of the year, Simon, Steve Honeyman

Purple: Robin, Les H, Spiro, Phil the Cat, Lord Rainford, Lee

The two teams (black & green) who finished up with 7 players played a game for the full session, with an 8-4** result with several running infringements, a blue card for physical contact but with Mark D getting a special mention for pulling off some great saves.

The other 4 teams played each other in a round robin. In the first games Pink beat Orange 2-0, with Joe scoring both goals, whilst on the other pitch Purple and light Blue couldn’t find a goal between them. Purple’s goal drought continued when they narrowly lost to Orange 1-0, with Brian scoring the only goal. Blue did manage a goal in their 2nd game but could only draw with Pink 1-1, Steve Honeyman and Alan a being the scorers. And in the final games Sky made it a hat trick of draws with a 1-1 against Orange with both Brian and Alan scoring again. Purple also finished with a hat trick….. of not scoring! Despite their best efforts they finished with a 2-0 loss to Pink with Joe getting his 3rd goal of the game with the scoring being finished off with Ian B getting one of his trademark left footed piledrivers.

And so on to Sutton on Wednesday evening where SHWFC had to overcome the challenge of an unusually packed car park making spaces were at a premium. Tom ‘Stretch’ Parr only just made it before the doors were locked and poor old Disco Degs in the end gave up, went directly to the Turks Head, did not pass Go and did not pick up £200!

Our numbers were boosted at Sutton by debutantes Ian and Kevin, who both opted for an inside playing experience, although sadly for Kevin his shoulder went ‘pop’ curtailing his playing evening. However he is made of strong stuff and hopes to be with us again next week!

Sadly we only have team photos for indoors as our refs outdoors, Jeff Bettye and Lord R were busy sorting out bibs and cones and elected to get everyone playing as soon as poss. rather than having players cooling down again after Gaz’s excellent warm up. The line ups outdoors were:-

Blue: Daz, Jason, Paul, Andy Manager, Little John

White: Nige, Chris P, Gaz, Haggis, Martin

Green: Kenny, Michelle, Dave M, Keith, Chris 4G, The Ox

Red: Tom ‘stretch’ Parr, Deano, Simon, Rich and Neil S.

I am glad to report that – apart from some backing in at times - El Presidente’s no physical contact edict was better adhered to, although – as is often the case on Wednesdays, the games were pretty quick. Slow down everyone, slow down.

Green and Blue started off with a 1-1 Chris 4G opening the scoring , but Daz played through his pain barrier to equalise. Reds started off with a 2-1 win with Simon getting both goals and Nige replying for whites.

Whites then moved over to play greens and what a thriller it was. 4 goals for each side with the lead changing hands at least twice. Nigel, Martin and Chris P (2) had put white in front 4-3 against a Chris 4G hattrick, when – with the last kick of the match, Keith evened the score up at 4-4; breathless stuff. Things were slightly less manic in the other 2nd game where Blues and Reds played out a 1-1 draw, Little John and Tom ‘Stretch’ the scorers.

And so to the final game where on pitch one ‘fast and furious’ was the best description. Lord R struggled at times to keep order and there was some confusion when players mistook a whistle which did not come from his trusty Acme Metropolitan but from Jeff B peeping desperately on the pitch next door. Whites eventually triumphed 2-1 where a painkiller assisted Daz again scored but Martin and Chris got Whites 2. And in the other game there was another even match, Greens and Reds drawing 2-2, Kenny and the Ox scoring for Green and Tom stetch and Deano for reds.

And so, last but by no means least, to the indoor game where not only do we have news but piccys to boot. Here a more relaxed version of the beautiful walking game was played, with the teams being:-

Yellow: Simon, Citeh Geoff, Les H, Eileen, Ian

Blues: Joe the Ghost, Kevin., David, Grav and Steve C

The game was overseen by Cockney Rebel who then donned a blue bib after Kenny popped his shoulder. This meant a severely jet lagged Phil the Power (back from Japan that morning…) gamely volunteered to take over ref duties. The game finished yellow 6 v 2 blue, with Les (3), Simon and debutant Ian (2) scoring for the winners and Steve C getting both blue goals. But if you want to see an example of walking football as she should be played, with sporting fair play, little running and a smile on faces; ladies and gentlemen look no further!

(* Touch me In the Morning – Diana Ross)

(** Scoreline being checked on Ruskin CCTV as it may not reflect actual score)