I kicked a ball*

Conditions on a Monday morning at Ruskin might never have been better The sun was bright with barely a breath of wind to interrupt the fun The rarity that there was no Bank Holiday meant we had a very decent 31 players and 4 officials taking the start of week air

We know that there are holidays and injuries at present too It was to the full credit of all involved that teams were swiftly selected, fitted out in figure hugging bibs (in most cases without incident) and then warmed in preparation for the 6 team, 5 games each format that has become de rigour in the past few months

The teams were selected as follows;

Sky - Wicky, Paul Jennings, Amazon Prime, Roger Moore and Les Meldrew

Purple - Kenny Nolan, Eamon, Chopper, Donal and Cockney Rebel

Green - Steve ‘Action’ Jackson, Haggis, Grav, Mark NR Davies and Tony Snakehips

Orange - Chris Willow, Kirsty, Steve Honeyman, Michelle Berry and Phil the Power

Pink - Citeh Geoff, Andy Zac, Mike Maguire (possible Irish links?), Sheila and Gonzalo

Black - Anita, Eileen Come On, Geoff Prout, Enoch Powell, Phil Moss and Andy Man(anger)

Referees for the morning were Pitch A Jeff Betty, Pitch B Tony Kenny and Pitch C Lord Rainford

El Presidente, now reduced to just one arm crutch during his continuing knee rehab, strolled the Paddock to ensure all was in order before retiring to attend an important meeting with FIFA These meetings are sometimes held in the hollowed-out volcano known as the Wolf’s Lair but instead we used the Ruskin Paddock with its magnificent views of 30+ sweaty Walking Footballers Glamour job right there!

Games were feisty but very fairly contested with our Referees respected and indeed applauded when administering their decisions with steely fortitude A consequence of this refereeing application was that no one made a note of the of the scores or scorers Talk about being wound up in their work!

From the WhatsApp dispatches we later learned that newbie Steve ‘Action’ Jackson brought his son along

This proved to be a smart move as the young man quickly made his name for helping to set out the pitches and (possibly more wisely) resisting any enticement to join in the games a stand-in keeper

We do like to bring youth through at SHWFC, as we’ve several examples of Dad & Lad plus one Dad & Daughter that have graced our sessions

WhatsApp revealed that Eamon was humbled early in one game with Michelle on hand to steer a Messi-like worldy past the despairing grasp of keeper Kenny The incident set a unfortunate precedent as the Irish import struggled to exert any impact in that game He did make some amends with a goal created in the Auld Country and finished in some style (which style is unclear) by Wicky

Referee Jeff Betty did go on record to credit goals to; Kenny, Steve Honeyman and Mark No Relation Davies

Evidently Gonzalo grabbed a brace during the session whilst Andy Zac secured a match ball with a hat trick

Another relative newbie Mike Maguire was unlucky to have a goal ruled for an extra touch that only El Presidente spotted

He accepted the decision with good grace only questioning our Divine Leader’s parentage for a minute or two

Pink offered a formidable selection for the session, and won 4 of their 5 games Alas there’s no verified record of their morning’s work at the time of setting the presses

Much later in the week there was a dispatch received via the mail coach from Rainford Manor As the majority of this ever-reliable epistle was already at the Caxton Press we can only apologise but add some further snippets from The ennobled one We learned that Haggis, ‘Action’ Jackson and Mark NR caught the eye in the opening match for Green but couldn’t puncture the Purple rearguard Eamon on target here

We’ve already talked of Michelle’s goal conceded by the unfortunate Kenny, but it seems she had previous in an excellent performance for Pink in their narrow victory over Orange

Sky proved too strong for Black in a rather one-sided 2-0 romp In their match they lowered the Purple’s unbeaten tag with goals by Wicky and Amazon sealing a 2-0 win in the morning’s last match

That stop press moment brought to you courtesy of Arriva Mail Coaches for the 19th Century

As the morning concluded El Presidente performed a lap of honour to witness a little of each game At one point he ventured into full ball-boy mode and even returned a wayward shot with a well timed side foot

So delighted was he that he immediately burst into song, full Katy Perry mode albeit slightly altering the title, gender and whole song

At the end of the session with the handshakes shared around and smiles the required minimum there was general agreement that it was good to be back on a Monday morning with just 11 weeks before the interruption of another Monday Bank Holiday

I Kissed A Boy* (Kicked A Ball) - Katy Perry