You May Be Right*

With another influx of new members, we could be forgiven for sitting back, relaxing, and thinking, “We are doing something right!” After all, as the world’s most famous Walking Football Club (probably), why not celebrate?

Another week in the often hectic life of SHWFC started in the traditional way with Monday’s outing at Ruskin Sports Village. As is becoming increasingly the norm, two debutants featured in the line-up: Ian Connor and Steve Harding. They joined the team just in time to be stretched and contorted by our Football Manager, Andy Man Houghton.

At least 30 players were press-ganged into action across the following teams:

• Black: Ashy, Mike Thomo, Lefty Bridge, Rick, Eamon, and the mysterious Triallist.

• Blue: Wickie, Sheila, Amazon, Lord Rainford, Glen, and Gonzalo.

• Green: Steve Harding, Les H, Prout G, Honeyman S, and Donal.

• Red: Tom Derby, Aldo, Margaret, Tom Stretch, Enoch, and John Hill.

• Purple: Haggis, Les Meldrew, Ian Connor, Andy Man, and Geoff Poole.

• Old Gold: Phil Moss, Barry Wizz, Cockney Rebel, PaulF, and Mike Bates.

  
  
  
  

Refereeing was less rigid in structure but none the poorer for that. Members played with great spirit and sportsmanship, accepting decisions with general good grace. Phil the Power finally rested his ribs by adjudicating the Gold vs. Black match—a fine advert for Walking Football, though keepers and defenders might not agree. Black led at the half-time interval by 3-2, a good indicator of how closely matched the sides were. At the final blast of the regulation Acme Thunderer, the game was locked at 7-7. So, 14 goals and “no incidents or accidents, hallelujah!” (P. Simon).

Goal scorers were: Barry (3), Cockney Rebel (2), PaulF, and Mossy for Old Gold. Eamon (3) and Mike (4) for Black.

Purple and Green had an epic affair too. Special shout-outs to the debutants Ian and Steve—impressive starts, gents! Green won a really close match by 6 goals to 5. Ref Jeff Betty applauded the slow, patient passing on show, saying, “Just how it should be played.” Purple were perhaps a little too gung-ho at times, leaving their defence wide open. Steve Honeyman plundered five goals, taking full advantage of Purple's profligacy. Donal claimed the other goal for Green. Geoff Poole, having now fully acclimatised to the local weather after his Florida years, scored 2 for Purple, with Andy, Haggis, and Les Meldrew also on target. The final verdict was 6-5 in a “thoroughly enjoyable game to referee!”

A Sniper’s Bullet?

Elsewhere, Blue and Red played out an eventful encounter. We learned that Margaret was felled by a sniper’s bullet fired from a hide on the grassy knoll overlooking Ruskin Drive. Thankfully, no harm was done, and Margaret made a full recovery. No news of the shooter has been leaked to the FBI (Fitzpatrick Bureau of Information), nor has any details of the game before or after the ‘incident’ been disclosed. A game took place, goals may or may not have been scored, but sadly, I couldn’t possibly comment.

Wednesday Night Classics

Wednesday night at Sutton SoccerDome was another classic entertainment extravaganza. Members were on hand in good time to greet Chris Sullivan, our latest signing from distant... er, Prescot.

Wednesday is, of course, a two-centre holiday much beloved by our elderly membership. Ten remain in the sweltering white heat of the Sports Hall, or the Innards as they are known, while the rough, tough jolly sorts, or Outward Boulders, are heavily layered for their trek to the AstroTurf wastes outside.

For the record, the Innards were:

• White: Lee Thomo, Enoch, Joe the Ghost, and Citeh Geoff.

• Yellow: Les Meldrew, the Triallist, Grav, Chris 4G, and Les H.

  
  
  
  

We are reliably informed by our esteemed Treasurer that a good game ensued. The result was in doubt until the final minute when White pounced to take the plaudits, while Yellow (close but no cigar) took the bibs home to launder for next week. Goal scorers were Steve Honeyman, Joe the Ghost, and Lee for White. Chris and Grav scored for Yellow to keep in the hunt, but time ‘ran’ out for Yellow (a free kick surely?). Great credit to the teams who managed to self-medicate all refereeing matters with great enthusiasm (for the main part).

Cockney Rebel made a fine job of whipping the Outward Bounders into a pre-match frenzy with his version of the warm-up. The sides then settled into two fine games along the following lines:

• Yellow: Chris Sullivan, Tom Stretch, Eamon, Colin, Jo, and Andy.

• Orange: Mike Thomo, Robin, Subbuteo Dave, Mark Dav, Rebel C, and PJ.

• All Blacks (c/w Haka): Ian H, Graham, Jason, Simon, Haggis, and Smoke Bomba.

• White: Deano, Wickie, Steve Smith, Lord Rainford, Mark A, and Gonzalo.

  
  
  
  

El Presidente Returns

El Presidente returned from tropical Wales to take up whistling duties, running an eye over the Black and White Minstrel show (apologies for anyone born after 1978 when this entertainment show was finally booted off screens).

The game was a cracker, with a rampant White onslaught in the first period producing a deluge of goals. Early goals by Steve Smith and Gonzalo were cancelled by a great strike from Graham and a wondrous Haggis effort. It was 2-2 and all square despite a huge disparity in possession and chances. White regrouped and swept away their opponents with short, sharp (Tory manifesto territory) passing and support movement. Two goals from Gonzalo, plus a Deano brace and a Steve Smith special rocked their opponents. At the interval, White were 7-2 ahead and cruising.

Remedial treatment was required. El Presidente stepped in to engineer a £multi-million swap with Wickie and Haggis switching sides for the second stanza. There was almost immediate justification, with the half-time move delivering 3 unanswered goals for the All Blacks, thanks to Ian H (2) and Smoke Bomba. Was a major reversal really possible? Deano did claim White’s 8th and Steve Smith their 9th before Black rekindled their fightback. Smoke Bomba (Prout C) and Simon with two more closed out the Black scoring, but inevitably, Steve Smith and Gonzalo snuffed out the threat. The game ended 11-8, comfortable for White, only briefly troubled by forgetting their earlier ascendancy and reverting to long, meaningless passing. Great sportsmanship and endeavour all around!

The Citrus Derby

In the Citrus Derby, Yellow (Lemon) were the victors in a zesty match that squeezed the pips out of Orange. The final score was 6-5. Cockney Rebel claimed two, while Subbuteo Dave and Mike Thomo found the net, with the other goal shared by all the remaining Orange segments. We are assured that Tom Stretch plundered a Lemon brace and Chris Sullivan netted a debut goal, but the other scorers have ticked the no publicity box in the morning’s poll. So, sorry, we will have to track down the elusive goal heroes with some investigative journalism of another kind. 6-5, Yellow (Lemon) victorious!

The Club’s media duties were undertaken with the usual relish in the post-session Boot Room diversion by our publicity-shy executive personnel. When pressed on the situation regarding our Football Manager and the plethora of vacant positions in the Premier League, our one-time Secretary reminded scribes that Andy Man is under contract and is perfectly happy with his role with the Club. At this point, Lord Rainford set the Club’s Huyton Hotman loose, and the journo left for a pressing appointment at a nearby crisis club (insert this week’s Sky’s Crisis Club of Choice).

You May Be Right - Billy Joel