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The Poacher*

A song reference to acknowledge that occasionally we must recognise that no one quite knows all the wizardly wheezes and dark arts than one who perpetrates these on a weekly basis So Wednesday night's Sutton SoccerDome session was officiated over by our regular Referee Herr Jeff Betty and arch villain Derek Disco Deggs Taylor In legal terms 'Joint Enterprise' It took a minute or two for Huyton's hero to establish he was going to be Bad Cop to Herr Betty's Bad Cop

A slightly disappointing turnout for the week's showpiece event nevertheless 15 hardy individuals took their places to start their hour having been thrashed in warm up by the body mangler Gaz Clark With the Refereeing duo watching on Coach Davies spun the wheel of fortune that is Moneyball and 3 teams of 5 were selected to do battle

The teams were;

Pink - Tom Stretch, Tom Derby, Steve Honeyman, Gaz and Phil

White - El Presidente, Lord Rainford, Joe the Ghost, Les and Gary

Yellow - Grazer, Will Clark (Grandson of Grazer, Son of Gaz) Grav, Citeh Geoff and Chopper

The first was heralded as the 'Gaviscon Derby' (though other indigestion treatments are available) or in layman's terms Pink v White A good contest with the highly rated Pinks pushed all the way before 2 fine goals from Phil and Gaz secured a win that was far from plain sailing Whites had chances to be in front but were profligate and made to pay 2-0 to Pink and the scene set for the evening's entertainment with the jackbooted Taylor laying down the law in no uncertain terms

Game Two and Yellow put the sword by White with a result rarely in doubt An early goal from Gary threatened an avalanche but White again wasted the dominance that their possession presented Les sealed the inevitable win with a sweet finish following some excellent team passing Yellow couldn't find a way through the opponents solid rearguard with M'Lord Rainford and El Presidente in firm control Les and Gary were a constant threat whilst Joe enjoyed a largely anonymous evening on the adjacent Badminton court The Ghost a hard earned nickname for a good reason 2-0 to White

Pink returned to action to tackle the hapless Yellow with the look of a side determined to go through the evening unbeaten There was a moment or two of dissention when Yellow protested for a series of non-existent fouls The Jackbooted official waved away the protests with some vigor Spectators at the far end of the arena were then peppered with 'clearances' for the remaining part of the game As petulance goes fairly tame stuff Goals by Tom Stretch and Steve Honeyman secured a standard 2-0 win for Pink

At this stage special mention should be given to Coach Davies, who had to desert his post to make his way to Reception to remonstrate with the Leisure Centre Management about the excessive noise emanating from a nearby kids gymnastic session A deafening rendition of the James Bond theme and other dramatic musical intervals whipped the group of 4 youngsters into their contortions Now we would always encourage any kid to take part in healthy activity but it has to said that music playing so loud as to render this reporter‘s use of voice memo a waste of time is perhaps a tad over the top Thankfully Coach’s skilful managing of the situation paid dividends The noise was reduced to 11 for the remains of their session That’ll rattle your fillings right there!

The return leg of the 'Gaviscon Derby' was a much tighter affair than the first game with Whites playing a less expansive game whilst shackling their opponents goal chances Pink might have conceded as Whites sprung a couple of breakaways but the game ended goal less the night's only blank and failure to trouble the statisticians

White showed their potency in front of goal with an impressive 3-1 victory over Yellow in the next game At times their teamwork was mesmerising and Yellow struggled to compete Two goals from Les (who enjoyed his best performance in ages) and a Lord Rainford strike having picked off a loose pass emphasised the gulf Master William battled gamefullly as did Grav who claimed his side's first goal of the evening with well placed strike 3-1 and further mumblings of dissatisfaction from the ranks

Against all the odds Yellow produced their best effort of the night in the last game with a splendid 1-1 draw against the previously imperious Pink Steve Honeyman fired Pink ahead and the Yellow goal lived a charmed life with shots raining on target but not one finding a way through We were treated to glimpse of the future as Master William scored a sensational leveller to even things up His effort taken early surprised the attentions of Tom - who couldn't stretch for once to prevent the goal The draw was secured with a nervy ending when Pink might have scored on numerous occasions whilst Yellow continued with their dangerous reliance on long hopeful shooting 1-1 and the evening done

There was a healthy turn out at the Boot Room for the usual media duties with Sky Sports News interviewing SHWFC's newest referee - a subtitled version of his interview was being prepared (no mean feat) as we went to press

in other news we learnt that Herr Betty is sometimes known as Indiana Jones for his hatred of snakes Whilst his partner in Crime Herr Deggs is unconcerned about slithering scaly creatures Leaving that thought right there

The Poacher* - Ronnie Lane & Slim Chance

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